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Just once I wish I could tell someone how I really feel without them pushing me away or lecturing me. I have yet to find someone who really understands or at least is willing to pretend for five seconds.

All I want to do is be heard. Is that really so wrong? Time to do what I do best: not say a word.
Some emotional support is not too much to ask for. Talking to you right now is like talking to a brick wall. All you keep saying to me is things that make me feel worse. Rather you're able to help me or not is not what's making me so upset. It's the fact that you sound like a robot when you tell me there's nothing you can do.

You can't even hold my hand.. 

I wanted to cry three days ago.

I wanted to just breakdown and cry. I just felt an overwhelming sadness over nothing.

I was talking to a friend today. His girlfriend broke up with him yesterday and was trying to pick up the pieces. We talked about our lives and habits as well.

After that conversation today I wanted to cry over everything.

I really feel like I've failed. I just kept getting rejection after rejection when I graduated college and it didn't matter how good my portfolio was or how many of my teachers reffered me. No one wanted me and I have never, EVER dealt very well with that feeling. I know, who has ever dealt very well with rejection?  So I did the only thing I could do: Stay at home and struggle to make it on my own. At least if I were my own boss I couldn't be too harsh in rejection..and two years later I find myself restless and wanting to jump back out into my field. Thing is that I fear the exact same rejection that made me shrink away in the first place. I know that it's all apart of the process but I was never a very emotionally strong person and constant rejection by people who don't know me is the last thing I need. Mom and I talked about it almost seven months ago. She told me to my face that she always worries about me and how I'd do in the world. That I was too weak and that she wondered what went wrong with me since my sister was working just fine.

Thanks, mom. I wonder what went wrong with me too..

Funny how I still feel like crying even though I cried while typing this. Some things just don't change.


Because I honestly have no clue. I've been through so much in the last two years that I didn't post or didn't want to post and I've missed LJ so badly. I missed having a venting outlet. Somethings are different and other things haven't changed but reguardlessly I feel at home here the most. I closed my old LJ. I felt like it was time for a new start so a new start is what I will begin to do here.

I have a boyfriend and it'll be our 1 year and three month mark April 30th. He's so sweet to me..one of the very few people in my life who have ever treated me the nicest or best. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve such kindness. It's been a really long and bumpy road..one I don't feel like discussing here..and it's difficult for me to do the simpliest, normal relationship things but I still try to. Most of the time I feel like I don't deserve it at all or that if I blink the wrong way it'll disappear before my eyes.

Tomorrow I have to go to the gym..I should go to the gym..I haven't been in a long time. It's not the only thing I'm slipping with habit wise either. May is quickly approaching and I wish I could just hide under a rock because things are gonna get bad before they get better. *sigh* Oh well, can't rain all the time, right?